A chilly Autumnal day in Tunbridge Wells and toilet cleaner & power-nap scheduler ccc is munching his sandwiches of the cheese and goodness.
Suddenly, from nowhere, a badger jumps out and attempts to pilfer the man's biscuits & pie.

After a savage beating, he lies dead in a pool of his own goose fat. Cry for him.


Enter Detective Boinky p.i.
He's been in the game for more years than he care to remember (73 in cat years) and his wife thinks it's a day too long.
"Moider, you say?" he utters.


Boinky, years of experience guiding his instincts, immediately interrogates the cleaning woman. She looks suspicious.
"Where were you at the time of the moider. ma'am?" he asks.
"Why, I was hoovering Arabs. It couldn't have been me." She replies, rather unconvincinglylyly.
"Thank you ma'am. I'm afraid I may have to return at a later date for further questions."
Detective Boinky is more than a little suspicious by the wily cleaner's alibi. He suspects dirty minge play...


...and so he should. Why, the evil hoink has been having a torrid, passionate frisson with the badger. It was for her that ccc's nyum-butties were nabbed by the canny woodland oik.
"Thank you for the sandwiches, Badger" whispers the filthy nug, "they were delicious"

"What!?!" screams the badger, "You've eaten ALL of them?! What about the crusts? You know I always have them (with a bowl of milk - or whatever badgers eat)"
His fury, once again, is bubbling to membrane bursting point...


"Take that! And that! And that!" he screams as his knife plunges again and again into Ellen's goatse hole.
"Noooooo!" she screams, "Nooooooo! Stop doing that naughty thing, I say."


The cleaning woman lays lifeless upon the floor. Badger wastes no time.
"Now to set fire to the stinky corpse" he cackles saucily.


The next day Boinky questions the badger.
"Where were you on the night of yesterday night?"
"Why Detective? Has there been a murder?"
"That's right Mr Badger. My wife was cooking Spanish omelette - my favourite. Have you ever had Spanish omelette Mr Badger?"
"Why, of course Detective. My girlfriend always made it for me."
"Made? Mr Badger? Are you no longer together?"
"No Detective, you see, she was a flaming nuisance...heh heh heh. Muaha ha ha ha haHAHAHAHAHA!"


"So, Mr Badger - where were you at the time of the killy death type crime? I just need the information for an alibi. Do you see?"
"Of course I do see Detective - well, ahhh yes...I was fixing the exhaust on my car."


Boinky is unconvinced and checks the car.
'Strange,' he thinks, 'no signs of badger crumbs'


However, before the badger has a chance to leave, Boinky returns.
"Just one more thing sir..."
"Oh what is it now Detective?" growls the badger.
"Well sir, my wife always says that I, as a detective, should have a spare monkey around. You know, to help me solve crimes."
"Well, really! I have no idea what you are on about Detective Boinky!"


Boinky leads the badger to the 'room of death'
"Well sir, what do you make of this?"


"Mr Badger, I'm arresting you for the brutal moiders of ccc and Els Bels Mingella. You have the right to remain nocturnal and...."
Detective Boinky 'cuffs the evil badger, another criminal off the streets. The people are, once again, safe.


"How did you figure it out boss?" enquires the monkey assistant.
"Quite simple really," chuckles the canny dick, "but you'll have to wait until next week's episode to find out."Detective Boinky returns home and finds, to his delight, his wife has cooked him antelope fritters. Damn him, he deserves them.
  ¶ 11:18 AM